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SERMON FROM THE DECK (The Christmas Story Version)

 Santa answered my call last night.


It took a while to get past his tough receptionist, but eventually the big guy came on the line, I believe to placate and get rid of me.

 We talked about memories of Christmas past. He reminded me that I asked for the Coleco Electric Football and that it wasn't his fault that it sucked.

"You were supposed to be able to program the players by adjusting the fins on the bottom, but they just ran around in circles. And the kickers, the kickers, they both were broken by the second day." 

He told me that he hoped my greed begat a lesson that was taught with crappy, broken things.

 

I reminded him that there has been no action on my later requests. World peace. Eliminated famine. Brotherhood and sisterhood. The age of Aquarius fulfilled.

 He drew a deep breath, sighed a huge sigh, and then admitted that the power to have these oh so precious gifts does not come from a magical, imaginary elf in red, but is inside every one of us, just screaming to be let out.

"To activate the power we must resist those who beat us down and spit us out and only a few have the strength."

"So never?"

"Not up to me."


He then told me that I was a much better old boy than I was as a youngster, and he asked me what I would want this year for Christmas.

 I thought for a minute and then answered.

"I would like dogs to never get sick and old.  I would like dogs to never die.  If you want to make an old, but good, boy happy, you will grant me this."


I thought I heard the big fella choke, sniff, and then a muffled snob came over the line. A long pause, and then.

"Like I told you before, some things are out of my power, and to tell you the truth, life, sickness and death are all under the control of Mother nature. But know this. Your dog is never lost, and despite you not being able to see your buddy in the flesh, he or she will always be with you, and not just in your memories. And this I promise. When you are old and sick, drawing your last breath, the final vision in life that you have before your soul leaves your body will be lost dogs, licking your face, grabbing your sleeve, dragging you, welcoming you home."

"Are you sure? It sounds too good to be true."

"I'm Santa. You can trust me with this. I got you the dammed Coleco Football, didn't I?"


I realized I was paying for the call, and long distance to North Pole Tel is very expensive, so I thanked him and bid my farewell with a final question. He answered.

"The cookies? Your brother ate all of the cookies. That's why he got all of that coal in his stocking."

 Another of life's mysteries solved.


And if you have read this far and even if you bailed...

Merry Christmas and all the best in 2024

(Pet your puppies.)


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