The Church Of A Swift Kick To The Knackers

 Santa answered my call last night. It took a while to get past his tough receptionist, but eventually the big guy came on the line, I believe to placate and get rid of me.  We talked about memories of Christmas past. He reminded me that I asked for the Coleco Electric Football and that it wasn't his fault that it sucked. "You were supposed to be able to program the players by adjusting the fins on the bottom, but they just ran around in circles. And the kickers, the kickers, they both were broken by the second day."  He told me that he hoped my greed begat a lesson that was taught with crappy, broken things.   I reminded him that there has been no action on my later requests. World peace. Eliminated famine. Brotherhood and sisterhood. The age of Aquarius fulfilled.  He drew a deep breath, sighed a huge sigh, and then admitted that the power to have these oh so precious gifts does not come from a magical, imaginary elf in red, but is inside every one of us, jus...

Well... I have been sneezing three times in a row for a while now. FYI I didn't win the Max last night. I'm waiting for the change. Waiting. Achoo! (×3)

 Last night the stress manifested as a dream. When you live in the country you learn to depend on the sound. Note: Probably no more than anyone else, but we country folks use statements like this to pretend we have mythical powers of observation. We get used to the regular sounds of the furnace, the refrigerator, and the septic pump, and know when things are not working they should. I hadn't heard the septic pump cut in for a long time and on Monday morning I went outside and checked the tank. Full. Crap! Literally. I called the plumber, but he wasn't able to come immediately. I pumped out some of the liquid to give us enough room for basic septic deposits, and waited. And waited. And texted. "I will be there first thing in the morning." "We will survive."   No later than 8 AM is "first thing in the morning" for me. 11:24 for plumbers I guess Hey, I was happy to have him. I couldn't maintain any kind of decent sleep Monday night. The stress ke...

 Tips from an old man. 1 - Scrape the frigging frost off your windows! All of it. There is nothing more unnerving than meeting a vehicle with one little clear space the size of a soccer ball in front of the driver. 2 - Semi's will either drive much slower or incredibly faster than you. One of you will be delayed. 3 - You do not know how to really drive unless you can drive a standard shift. If you don't know how to shift gears and burn clutch I will teach you. (For a small fee.) 4 - Slow down on gravel roads, unless you like the ditch. Also slow down and pull over when you are meeting someone. Windshields are expensive. 5 - You need a 4x4 truck if you live in the country and have to deal with the road conditions and isolation through every season. You don't need a truck if you live in a city and your miles are mainly back and forth to Superstore. Also, nothing says "dickless" more than jacking your F-150 up so high that it almost rolls at every corner. 6 - And fin...