The Church Of A Swift Kick To The Knackers

 I hate funerals. Of course there is nothing to love about them, although I remember a couple of English War Bride Aunts who enjoyed them as a social event. They showed up everywhere, for the show, the chinwag, and probably the free lunch. Myself, I avoid the services at all costs. There are, of course, reasons to go, and funerals that can't be avoided. The last two I attended were non-religious events, that served beer. How could I refuse. And of course there are family events that one is obligated to attend, even if it's to quickly sign the register, and then hide in the basement, as far away from the proceedings as possible. I have been a pall bearer twice. They were amongst the most uncomfortable times in my life. I have also ushered a few times. I sucked at it. How could I ever recommend a good seat when my body and soul wants to crawl into my church basement hidey hole. Part of my avoidance of funerals is something I have mentioned to people in person and on social media ...

 You are a 15 year old male. Your hormones are raging, surging, "turn me loose!" Your only outlet is frustration. "I bet you're still a virgin!" "No I'm not." "When? Who" You make up a lie that flatters no one.     A Goddess lives three doors down. A woman who fills your dreams with scenes of life and lust that you have only experienced in crumpled, hidden magazines. She is recently divorced. With children at home, except on weekends when they are housed at their fathers, two towns away. You notice she returns your glance before you can turn your embarrassed stare away. She gives you a sly smile. "Oh God, she knows." One day, at a gathering at the school, she comes up to you.   "You are sure growing. I could use such a strong man to plow my driveway." What does she mean by that? Could she be coming on to me? "Yes Ma'am. I'm available tomorrow after supper." You know tomorrow is Friday, and that her ki...